Language and Love, Romance & Sexuality

Language is like the mirror to culture. If you want to learn about a culture and the people in it, take a look at their language. You can tell a lot from words that they use.

Language, in the from of words and expressions, reflects the way people think, act and relate to one another in that culture. Language reveals the culture’s history, how the society has changed over time, and what internal and external influences have shaped and changed that society. People’s choices of words and how they express them also inform about their attitude and worldview.

Language, in the forms of colloquialism and slang, gives us a pretty up-to-date reflection of a society. It gives us a glimpse into its moods and the level of the playfulness of its people. As the society changes and the thinking gets updated, the words do as well.

So, obviously I’m not one who believes that words are “just words.”

Thai language is not a language of logic but of emotion. It is very rich in emotional expressions. Thai people are fun—our culture is one of sanuk, which means fun, our language is also very playful and creative. Thai people are hospitable, our language also reflects that hospitality. There are numerous words and expressions of foreign origin, many of which have been co-opted and well mixed in the Thai lexicon.

In the realm of love, romance and sexuality, words predictably tell a lot of stories. We learn how Thais think of love and romance, just by how many types of love have a name in the language: from the universal “first love,“ “last love,” “true love,” “forbidden love,” “love triangle,” to ones a bit more Thai-stylized such as “love across generations,” “beguiling love,” “alternate love,” “true love defeated by proximity,” “love one sister but can’t let go of the other one,” “sojourn love,” “love ingrown,” etc. (See Chapter 8: Lovers and Bedmates in Sex Talk: In Search of Love and Romance.)

We learn about the tradition and social expectations in romance and courtship from old sayings such as: “Enter through the proper alleyway, exit through the door,” “Don’t eat fruits before they are ripe,” or “Save sour fruits for their ripened sweetness,” etc. We know what men and women are expected to do in courtship from the words of wisdom: “Be diligent at checking the fish trap (to catch fish), be diligent at courting (to catch a woman)” (for men) and “Keep your chastity” (for women). (See Chapter 6: Traditional Courtship Rituals in Sex Talk.)

Society’s attitude of men and women can sometimes be blatant as in this old saying: “Having a daughter is like having a toilet in front of the house.” Different words used for flirtation initiated by men and flirtation initiated by women are also revealing: men “flirt,” “woo” and “court,” women “lay a bridge,” “hook” and “bait.” A promiscuous man is called a “lover,” a “flirtatious bantam,” or a “Khun Phaen” (Thai Casanova), while a promiscuous woman is called a “golden flower,” “sluttish,” “whorish,” or “Wanthong of Two Hearts” (Thai Scarlet). (See Chapter 5: The Art of Flirting.)

But you will be mistaken to think that Thai women have always been victims of sexual oppression and social conservatism. Sometimes you see glimpses of female rebellion. One of my favorite poems is one written by an anonymous female poet who is long dead (my translation from the original Thai):

Children disturb the body, husband disturbs the mind.
I will stay a pristine old maid, with my pretty face so bright it shines.
Manless to a ripe old age, it’s no weight on anybody’s head but mine. (Sex Talk: In Search of Love and Romance, p. 165)

Things are not always what they seem, of course. Sexual attitudes in Thai culture have not always been static or monolithic. I grew up believing (as I was taught) that women must be pure and pristine and did my very best to live up to the expectation. Even though I had a somewhat rebellious streak, I went only so far as breaking the university dress code and painting my nails green (before such unconventional color became fashionable).

Today, the conservative quarter of Thai society jumps up and down about girls wearing spaghetti straps and tube tops, somehow conveniently forgetting that Siamese women in the old days did not even wear shirts before they started covering their breasts with something not unlike today’s tube tops, only looser. Many Thai women, especially those from the middle and upper classes, at least those before Generation Y, have mainly lived the life of celibacy (or at least lead others to believe so) as Bangkok has become increasing known far and wide as the “sex capital of the world.”

The image of Thailand projected through international media is often simplistic and one dimensional—an advertisement by the Tourism Authority of Thailand would have you believe that Thailand is a mythical land of beauty (including that of women), while the news and movies suggest it is a land of dirty politics and a giant brothel. What many foreigners with discerning minds get right about Thailand is that it’s a land of contradictions. We Thai people hate conflicts so we try to live with contradictions (so that we don’t have to deal with the obvious conflicts)—in this way we should get along very well with the Japanese, that is, until they demand some order and discipline. The contradictions can be strange, befuddling and maddening even to a Thai person like me.

Now back to language and culture, as I said, as society changes, words also change. New expressions are born with new thinking and new way of seeing things. Now, many words concerning romance and sexuality tend to be unisex—different social expectations for women and men are a lot less pronounced. For instance, among the latest slang terms is “kík”—someone who is more than a friend but less than a lover, either a man or a woman. As the hook-up culture has become more widespread, words for casual dating and mating have also sprung up. Speed dating has its Thai version in dèet dùuan or dèet jaan dùuan. And as foreign husbands and sons in laws have become a permanent fixture in Thai society, words have been created for them too. (See Chapter 7: Modern Courtship and Dating.)

I love language and I love learning about people and different cultures. I have spent many years outside of Thailand and have used English as the primary language at work and in life and in a way that probably helped me to look at my own culture with a slightly different perspective—sometimes you can see things a little more clearly when you moved a little bit further from the object. After having returned to live and work in Thailand, I have begun to learn more in-depth about my native language and I find that I’m learning more about my native culture. Something gets clarified and a few things surprise.

I also began writing. And the first product is called Sex Talk: In Search of Love and Romance, my first commercial book, which, I expect, will be only the first in my sextalk series since this book includes only a portion of the words and expressions that I have collected thus far on the topic of love, romance and sexuality.

• More about the book.
• Read sample words and expressions and excerpt.
• Read articles on romantic language on my blog.
• More articles on sex and love talk expressions on my blog.
• My plan for the sextalk series.

Kaewmala

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